• Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
  Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

• Man: Is this seat empty?
  Woman: Yes but if you sit there this seat will be too.

• Man: Your place or mine?
  Woman: Both, you go to yours and I'll go to mine.

• Man: So, what do you do for a living?
  Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

• Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
  Woman: 'Do not enter'.

• Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
  Woman: Unfertilized.

• Man: Your body is like a temple.
  Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

• Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
  Woman: Yes but would you stay there?

• Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
  Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say 'No, my speedometer only goes to 00001'.

5) Touch him.

6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

8) Refer to him by his first name.

9) Pretend you are gay and ask him/her out.

10) When he says no, cry.

11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.

15) When he puts the handcuffs on, say 'Usually my dates buy me dinner first'.

16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say 'Oops! That's the wrong name'.

18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him 'Sorry, I just ate the last one'.

19) When he comes up to the car, say 'License and registration, please' right when he says it.

20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing 'La La La, I can't hear you!'.

21) Trip and fall into him.

22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

24) Chew on the pen, nervously.

25) Clean your ear with the pen.

26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say 'I thought the name sounded familiar...'.

28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

29) Act like you are retarded.

30) When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

31) Or mumble to yourself.

32) When he tells you to stop, say 'What are you talkin about, DUDE?'.

33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say 'Hmmm... only 5 of you here tonight...'

34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

35) When he comes to the car, say 'I have a badge just like yours!'

36) Ask if he watches Cops.

37) Ask if he ever watched Cop Rock.

38) Giggle if he did.

39) Talk to your hand.

40) Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

41) Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

42) When he frisks you, say 'You missed a spot', and grin.

43) When he asks to inspect your car, say 'There is no alcohol in my car sir, the last cop got it.'

44) Try to sell him your car.

45) Ask if you can buy his car.

46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

47) Play with the siren.

48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.

50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.

51) Ask if he ever had pun-tang.

52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

56) Turn your head and whistle.

57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

58) If you are female, say you don't do that on the first date.

59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

60) Ask if you can see his gun.

61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him you just wanted to see if yours was bigger.

62) Stare at his lights and say 'Look at the pretty colors!'

63) Tell him you like men in uniform.

64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

• I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'u' and 'i' closer together.

• Stick with me baby and I'll buy you rocks as big as diamonds.

• You'd better start giving me mouth to mouth, because you just took my breath away.

• Do you wash your clothes in Windex, because I can see myself in your pants.

• Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I fell in love.

• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

• That shirt is very becoming, if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

• Do you believe in love at first sight or should I drive by again?

• I'm not Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock!

• You have 236 bones in your body, want one more?

• If your left leg was Easter, and your right leg was Christmas, could I come visit you in between the holidays?

• If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

• Is that a pea in your pocket or are you just excited to see me?

A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says,"The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

• Man to God: "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" God to Man: "So you would love her." "But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies: "So she would love you."

• God created man before creating woman, because you always need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece.

• Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?

• Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

• Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation MENopause MENtal breakdown GUYnecology HIMmorrhoids

• What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

• What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

• Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.

• What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.

• Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you.

• Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

• Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.

• Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

• Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.

• What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.

• What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.